Masking is exhausting & "emotional tectonic plates"
Originally published on LinkedIn.
So this week is ND celebration week https://www.neurodiversityweek.com/ and I had blocked out it in advance to write something but wasn't sure what it would be. For those who haven't seen them, I've previously written 6 articles on personal well-being and mental health but don't think I've ever really written about neurodiversity.
Well I certainly do have a topic now. In a major twist of irony I have had a major failure in my masking this week. For those that don't know what masking in the way I describe it is: tactical and strategic adaptions that someone with ND makes to fit in better to societal/business/cultural norms. Sometimes these are done consciously (strategic - so I can take on a new role, so I can do better in a relationship); other times you adapt to fit in with friends and don't realise (tactical). I think a lot of this stems from the human need for connection and to fit in (and from early human tribes - to not be rejected from the tribe - as the fate of someone rejected from the tribe was to be eaten by a sabre tooth tiger).
Whilst I don't have a formal diagnosis, going through this for one of my children (who now has a formal Autism and ADHD diagnosis) made me realise I have traits and behaviours that are considered to be on "the spectrum" (and the reality is that everyone is somewhere on this spectrum). However, I found ways to fit in at school and my early career.
My child's diagnosis was a bumpy ride - I went through the various stages of the change curve - denial, anger etc. Large parts of this were due to the fact that I kept saying but I used to do that as a kid or I still do that quite a lot now. That's when 2 difficult to process pennies dropped:
If those behaviours were signs of ND then I was probably also ND and this explained a lot of why my personal growth was so painful.
My child needs this diagnosis to get the support they need at school and acceptance of who they are as a person (unlike my experiences where I got in quite a bit of trouble at school, struggled to focus - wasn't great in my early academic years and discovering tech was what "saved" me). I need to stop fighting the reality my child needs this diagnosis and my denial / lack of awareness about ND (and the cultural taboos around terms such as autism) shouldn't hold them back.
Anyway back to masking and some of my "corrective" actions.
As some of previous posts have discussed - I spent a lot of time in my teenage years and early 20s arguing. I was too stubborn and lacked empathy for other peoples' views and as a result would come across as just plain rude at times. An example of this was excessive interrupting of people and just plain dominating conversations. It was a hard slog to get that one "out of me" but at the time I just thought it was a character flaw (and to a degree it probably was). Now I am paranoid about cutting in on people too much and coming across as arrogant.
But the reality is my mind often goes from A to B to C to D far faster than someone else's conversation. I'd quite like to hit the 1.5x or fast forward button as I'm often like "yes yes I agree with you, I get it, let's move on to the part where we do something about it and make some decisions!" But others don't want to go at 1.5x speed or skip over things as their thought process and style is more linear.
This is just one example of many things I now adapt on (well most of the time - those who work closely with me on the regular might have other opinions!) to work better with others.
However, doing so can be exhausting - to start with it takes conscious effort - then it becomes a pattern and soon enough you've adapted your style. BUT! If I get tired then these masking wheels start to come off, abruptly and rapidly and in an often very surprising way to colleagues and friends.
People who know me well (particularly my cycling friend) actually have a phrase for this. "Doing a Cronk" is when I get so tired and frustrated that I get super angry and sweary. But over the years this has sometimes resulted in broken furniture or items as out of tiredness and frustration inanimate objects (NEVER People I should stress) get the brunt. Not great from a sustainability perspective (but I have gotten quite good at fixing things!)
I should stress this is actually pretty rare these days. I've calmed down a lot as I've approached middle age but I do sometimes have outbursts. I kind of think it's a bit like emotional tectonic plates. There is only some much personal tension and stress that can build up as a result of masking - at some point that tension has to be released. Ideally in a safe space - which for me is often cycling - sadly sometimes in places where it really isn't appropriate and damages work and personal relationships.
This also partly explains why I've moved jobs quite a bit:
As I've learned to adapt and mask better - I need to take these skills to new work places - as my colleagues at the time have seen other patterns of behaviour and won't easily accept that you have learned and changed
Relationships get damaged irreparably (people think you can't hack it as you had a breakdown so they don't think you are ready for a promotion or they don't want to take the risk on you).
So as it's nearly time to start work - I'll leave this one here for now. Such a sensitive, personal topic like this required writing all by myself (no AI used in writing this one, only as a reviewer and for the image) so apologies for any readability issues!
Feel free to send me a DM or leave a comment if this has resonated or you'd like to chat about my experiences. I should stress I am not a mental health professional and therefore if you need help go and get it (it's one of the best things I ever did the 2 times I've done it - as per previous articles).
Originally published on LinkedIn.