Is being "happy" the right goal?
Originally published on LinkedIn.
Back in January it felt very scary at the time to post a bit about my mental health (Staying Positive in 2019). I'm really pleased it started a bunch of online and offline conversations about the topic. It made me feel far more comfortable in talking about this with friends and colleagues. Friends opened up to me about their stories and it made me realise I wasn't alone - everyone has mental health but most aren't comfortable talking about it and most aren't proactively managing it.
Also pleased to report that up until the middle of February things were going really well and I thought I had cracked it. I went on a skiing holiday (for the first time in 6 years) and had a great break.
Following the holiday things started to go wrong. In hindsight mainly as I just never managed to catch up and then had some really challenging situations to deal with one after another. March ended up being one of my worst months ever and for the first time in my 20 year career I had to take time off for stress and anxiety. I pride myself on being fit and well, resilient, engaged and hard working and not taking time off (also probably not quite the right thing to be proud about in hindsight...).
Turns out just trying to be positive and happy all the time isn't really the right answer - if you don't accept and process the lows in life you don't appreciate the highs and listen to our emotions to guide us - more on this later.
Since March I've been on a road to recovery and again brilliant support from friends, family and colleagues (for the first time I used the mental health first aid service at work which was super helpful and insightful) which has kept me going. I am now seeking counselling which is something I have put off for years fearing where it might lead me.
Workload and trying to keep up with personal commitments has meant that I haven't been able to do the things that I listed on my previous article that I know I need to do to keep me well (like exercise and sleep - even now I am up too late posting this). I've had to apologise on a few occasions (one of things I strive to be is being a decent human being and when I recognise I have fallen foul of that I am very hard on myself and try and make amends). Another thing that is important to me is being responsive and keeping in touch with people - I am finding it harder and harder to maintain connections with work colleagues and friends and I am letting people down. So I am having to reassess my values and priorities and accept some failures which isn't an easy thing to do.
Following my mini crisis I decided to be kind to myself and bought myself a few things - why not a bit of retail therapy? After all I work hard so felt I deserve to replace my 13 year old mountain bike and my 8 year old diesel car (that I was mainly driving short trips to the station in - and felt bad about its contribution to toxic air quality). Thought car shopping and mountain biking would help - and they were a bit of a distraction at the time. And taking taking pictures along the way continues to be a bit of a journal.
Had a great catch-up with Gavin Richardson at the Roof Garden at 120 (one of my new favourite places to visit in London) one lunch time after the difficult time. He told me about various things that he had learned along his career and in setting up a mental health business. Including comparing your mental health with different physical ailments (like having a cold, or the flu or something more serious - they each have a different effect on you). Also that things like rejection and anger and disappointment can be additive and build up over the day - having an effect on your brain chemistry making it harder to stay balanced.
I found balance and positive / hope again for a while. And then more recently - the various reports on Ecological / biodiversity collapse and Climate Change protests really sent me to a bad place. I felt bad for not buying the electric BMW i3 car instead of the BMW 1 series with a little 1.5L turbo petrol engine as the i3 was a bit too expensive and not as fun on country roads. Even though my family and I have changed our diet and do our best to be environmentally conscious I still felt like I wasn't doing enough and my kids faced a tough future and I was part of the reason they faced a tough future. One morning I just felt like I wanted the world to swallow me as it all seemed so hopeless and futile, and whilst occasionally in the past I've felt very gloomy its never gone on for several days in a row.
Over the last couple of weeks I've learnt more about what makes me tick and why I am off kilter. From spending time reflecting but also from some insightful videos and TED talks that I have found particularly helpful. Ironically it now happens to be mental health awareness week so why not now to share these I guess?
Then Why Worry?
This short why worry clip is so simple yet so right:
Life is about finding meaning / Purpose
What makes for a good / happy life?
75 Year study finds personal connection and good relationships are key to a successful, fulfilled, happy life:
The gift and power of emotional courage
Whole bunch of insights including labelling emotions as good or bad isn't helpful for emotional resilience. We need to listen to our emotions as a source of data to help us make decisions.
The power of vulnerability
All this takes time to process and build a new mental framework - and of course some of this won't resonate as strongly as it did for me. I also need to listen to my feelings and brave up and probably make some further bold changes in order to get to a better place. After all you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs (what is the plant based version of that saying?!)
Again hopefully this is helpful. Just writing this stuff seems to be helpful for me (I am sure there will be mixed views on whether I should be publishing it) and I hope to look back in a few months and reflect on the progress and improvement I've made from this point. I am trying to see these challenging periods like metamorphosis - transforming into a stronger more emotionally flexible and resilient person. Or at very least continuing my education into what drives me and others.
Originally published on LinkedIn.